Timothy Hay, Part 2
Posted by Editor in Grassmans, Spirit Cave on April 6, 2011
Tim was a good kid in school and never caused any trouble until May of his senior year when he and Matt Greene and Frank Rettig decided to leave their mark on the town before they graduated. They bought cans of spray paint and decorated the Sherman tank at the north end of town with pastel polka dots. They would have got away with it too, except that Frank bragged about it at school, and Chief Burley had the boys in custody in no time. Lots of people were upset, especially Henry Hay, Jr., Tim’s dad and a good friend of mine. But in the end their punishment fit the crime. They were sentenced to repaint the tank the original Army green while being supervised by WWII vets from the local VFW, including Tim’s grandfather. Henry Hay, Sr. wore a constant frown during the entire project, as did all the 70 & 80-something vets. The others did more than frown. Ed Hurley pointed out here and there where they missed a spot or the paint was running. Ed was a tank gunner in the war, so I guess he thought he earned the chief supervisor job. John Jablonsky was Army Airborne, Mike Schulze was in the Navy, and Harry Harvick was a Marine, but they were all in the tank corps that day.
About a week later Tim brought his dog into my clinic. I wasn’t worried about Lucy, she had a minor problem, but Tim was clearly depressed and you never know what kids will do when they get down in the mouth for an extended period. I didn’t say much to him, but I guess it stuck with him. I said, “Look, Tim, it’s true that your grandpa’s generation saved the world from the Nazis and the Japs, and that old tank is a symbol of their sacrifice. Sure, people were upset about it, but everyone could see that repainting that tank under the glare of the old veterans was a hard thing to do, and lots of them said that it was enough punishment by lunchtime. But you boys finished the job like men and everyone agreed that the debt was more than paid. Truth is, the old tank needed repainting anyway. Whether you know it or not, you boys became men that day. And men don’t dwell on past mistakes forever. It’s time for you to move on and put your God-given talents to use. Polka-dotting that tank demonstrated creativity and guts. When you combine that with good sense, you’ll make yourself a fine life.” That’s all I said, but that’s what brought Tim to my office today.
“Doc, back then you talked about good sense making all the difference. I worked at it ever since then, and I think I’ve done pretty well with my farm and my family and everything. But what I saw makes no sense. I came to you because I trust you to tell if I’m nuts or if football UFOs are flying into the back 40 of my farm” I smiled and asked him if he was still dreaming about that interception he made to win the championship back in ’98. He said he didn’t think so, but that made more sense than what he thought he saw at the cave. “I think I should just forget about it. Maybe it was just a bad dream,” he said. I told him I wanted to see the cave. “Let’s run out there and see what it looks like in the daylight. If anyone asks we’ll say we’re taking Lucy out for some exercise, that I want to see if she stills favors that left hip.”
We drove out to the farm and bounced along the dirt track to the back 40, parked the truck in the trees and walked to the cave. Lucy jumped off the truck bed like a 2-year old, and ran past us with no apparent limp. She bolted straight for the cave entrance and barked like she had treed a raccoon.
Ruff Ranch Update
Posted by Editor in Ruff Ranch on April 3, 2011
Dr. Dan’s Ruff Ranch construction is progressing nicely and will open this spring. Plans call for a dog breeding facility featuring Shiba Inus and American Eskimos, plus a new dog shelter. The shelter barn will open in May. We already are overloaded in the clinic with shelter dogs, so the new Ruff Ranch shelter can’t open too soon. If you’d like to have a dog, now is the time. Until the new shelter opens, all healthy dogs are available for $100. They are all neutered and up to date on their shots. Other dogs are being nursed back to health and will be available at a later date.
Timothy Hay, Part 1
Posted by Editor in Grassmans, Spirit Cave on April 2, 2011
You may have noticed that your editor has published nothing since November. Well, nothing has happened in Pearlville since November, absolutely nothing! Oh, we had Christmas and New Year’s and the Super Bowl, but those happen every year and there was nothing exceptional about them this time, nothing worth writing about anyway. Nothing interesting has happened in Pearlville since November. Nothing exceptional, until Timothy Hay walked into the office this morning.
Timothy farms 320 acres on the east side of town, has a good wife and two bright children in grade school. Most of us have known Timothy his whole life, and we all remember his interception for the winning touchdown in the 1998 conference championship game. He is respected member of our community and is known to be as dependable as the day is long. That’s the reason I listened to his extraordinary story from start to finish.
As Timothy tells it, last night he noticed strange sounds coming from the back 40 in the Spirit Cave area of his farm. This is an area of rocky ground, only good for pasture land. During the day he runs 100 Angus steers in the pasture, but at night they are all in the barn. Anyway, he said, it didn’t sound like cattle or any other animals that he ever heard, including the Grassmans. “It was a whirring sound like high-rpm motors or maybe turbine engines. Not as loud as a jet, but sort of like jet engines with mufflers on them.”
Timothy had to investigate what was going on out there. With shotgun in hand he drove his old F150 out to the back 40. The whirring sounds grew louder, and he stopped the truck when he saw a greenish-blue light faintly glowing behind the trees near the west entrance to Spirit Cave. He exited the truck and walked towards the light. “It was a dark night with no moon or stars. The light was faint enough that it would have been hard to see with a bright night sky. But the funny thing about it was that it kind of blinked off every minute or so. That made me more curious.”
He advanced thru the trees and hid in the bushes within 50 yards of the glowing light. “That’s when I saw why the light was not steady. A large black shape passed in front of the light and disappeared into the cave. It was big, maybe 20 or 25 feet high and 80 or 100 feet long. In the faint light it appeared to be shaped like a football. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing because I used to explore the cave when I was a kid, and that opening is a tight one. A grown man can barely squeeze thru. My dad got really mad when he caught me in there. But I saw it, and every minute or so another one passed by the light and into the cave. It stopped after about ten minutes and the light went out too. I was pretty shook up, and could not move for awhile. Then I got myself together and went back to the truck and got back to the house at about 2:00. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. That’s when I decided to come and see you. When I had trouble in high school you gave me good advice.”
Deer Safety Bill Proposed
Yesterday Parse Lee’s truck killed a deer for the seventh deer accident on Hwy 32 this month, following fifteen deer accidents in October. Parse was treated at the clinic for a concussion and a broken nose, and his F150 pickup is in the shop for $4500 in repairs. When are we going to do something about the increasing deer traffic on our roads?
We allow deer to wander and cross our roads wherever and whenever they want, with an increasing risk to public safety and vehicle repair costs. And what about insurance costs? Last week I received a notice from Gekko Insurance informing me that my rate is increased 21% due to the number of deer accident claims in Pearl County. Are the deer insured? No. They are the most irresponsible of all users of our public roadways, and it’s time for responsible citizens to take action.
I propose that the Town Council pass a new law for Pearl County deer:
Cross Pearlville roads only at specific locations clearly identified and marked. The penalty for violation of this law is death by rifle shot.
“Oh, but Dr. Dan, how can you be so cruel to Bambi?” Well, Bambi is getting killed or maimed by cars and trucks almost every day around here. For a deer that is so stupid that he runs head first into an oncoming vehicle, this is humane treatment.
“OK, but how can we get the deer to cross the roads only at specific locations?” Easy. Place a bushel of crushed corn on each side of the road at the selected locations, to be clearly marked with a Deer Crossing sign facing both directions, so drivers know to slow down. As Bambi prepares to cross the road, he sees the corn and stops for a snack. Then he sees the bushel of corn on the other side of the road and he crosses to get another snack. Voila! Safe crossing for man and beast.
It will take awhile for the deer to get used the new law, but natural selection will sort things out. The smart deer will cross safely and be rewarded with a tasty snack of crushed corn. The dumb deer will cross where they get no snack. Their population will be reduced one way or another, and over time we will have fewer dumb deer and safer roads.
“But Dr. Dan, how do we identify the deer that cross the roads illegally? Even when you see them cross, they’re gone pretty fast. A lot of innocent deer may be presumed guilty and shot. It’s un-American.” Good question, and one that I have pondered long. Americans are innocent until proven guilty, deer included. First, we make it easy for them to cross at the right places. Deer are creatures of habit. They have regular trails and we know where the trails cross the roads. Some of these crossings are safer than others. Deer are dumb and irresponsible and either don’t know of don’t care to use the safer crossings.
Assuming that we are smarter than the deer, it’s up to us to set up the corn bushels at the crossings that we determine to be safer, like in the straightaways and not near the curves. The game warden can mark the crossings, and Chief Burley’s men can identify the safe ones. Then all we have to do is mark the unsafe crossings with red flags. The flags are not for the deer. The flags are for the hunters, who can legally shoot any deer within a half-mile of the red flag crossings and 100 yards of the deer trail. The bleeding heart club will say that you can’t be sure that a deer within those parameters has crossed the road illegally, but the evidence is clear. Guilty as charged.
By this time next year, all deer will use the safe crossing trails. Our roads will be safer, our insurance rates will go down, and our freezers will be full of deer meat. Pearlville Town Council is urged to pass the Deer Safety Bill as soon as possible.
Town Council Plans for Enhanced Road Revenue
Posted by Editor in Town Council on October 29, 2010
Last night Chief Burley presented his Enhanced Road Revenue (ERR) plan to the Pearlville Town Council. In the Chief’s proposal, enforcement of ERR will begin the first Monday after Council approval. Enforcement will have two phases. Phase 1 will ticket only out-of-state license plates.
Phase 2 enforcement will prioritize by Ohio county tags. In both phases Pearl County residents would be exempt. Chief Burley suggested that the Council prioritize the Ohio county tags to be ticketed. “We can ticket all Ohio drivers outside of Pearl County, or we can exempt the neighboring counties, or we can prioritize only counties in metro areas like Cleveland and Cincinnati. The Council writes the law and we enforce it.”
The proposal includes new offenses and fines in addition to existing law:
• $150 for Following Too Closely
• $150 for Driving Too Slowly
• $150 for Turning Around in a Residential Driveway
Concerns were expressed by some members about the potential negative effect on tourism in Pearlville. It was suggested that ERR can be suspended during Gourd Festival, Tulip Time, deer season and turkey season.
The plan was tabled until the next meeting, and Chief Burley agreed to try to think up a few more offenses. It was also suggested that speed limit signs can be relocated from the straightaways to just around the curve, so the driver won’t see the sign until it’s too late. While the Council agreed to consider all options, the Chief cautioned everyone to try to keep the offenses and fines within reason. “We live in the middle of nowhere, but nowhere can get media attention today. Let’s have a program that brings in revenue without being so outrageous that we can’t keep a lid on it. We have other reasons for not wanting to bring media attention to Pearlville.” The Council agreed to finalize the ERR plan in next week’s meeting.
Goldmine on the Roads
Recently I took a trip to Illinois to see a man about a dog. My friend Wayne’s dog Rufus, our town mascot, is such a good dog that I’ve been looking for one like him. I found a Shiba Inu breeder with pups for sale near Champaign and came home with a pup, but that’s another story.
My route took me to Cincinnati and I-74 thru Indianapolis and on to Champaign, then back to Pearlville the same way. Driving interstate highways thru the Midwest is usually pretty boring and this trip was no different. Corn on the right, soybeans on the left, then soybeans on the right and corn on the left. Sometimes corn on both sides of the road, and sometimes soybeans on both sides. Variety is the spice of life.
The inbound trip was just as scenic as the outbound trip, except where before there was corn on the right and soybeans on the left, now there was soybeans on the right and corn on the left. As I approached Crawfordsville, Indiana, the county seat of Montgomery County, I was just about brain dead. It was a dry, sunny day and traffic was moving at a crisp pace, maybe 75-80 mph. I am a safe driver and have not received a speeding ticket in ten years. Not that I don’t speed. Speeding is necessary. 65 mph on the Interstate doesn’t get you anywhere. My rule for avoiding speeding tickets, tried and true, is this: Don’t be the fastest car on the road. The posted limit in Indiana is 70 mph, so that means 10% over the limit, or 77, is safe as long as the traffic is running at that pace or faster. There is always some idiot doing 85 or 90, and if anyone gets stopped it will be him. That’s the rule anyway.
So there I go, running with the traffic at 75-80 and all is well, corn on the right and beans on the left. Traffic in the passing lane started bunching up, and I was the sixth driver in a group of cars separated by not more than 1 ½ car lengths. In my rear-view I saw the seventh car join our group, a black Dodge Charger. He was on my bumper before I knew it. Join the club, pal, we’re not getting out of this bunch-up for awhile, the lead car won’t go any faster.
All of a sudden, the black Charger lit up like a Christmas tree. Colored lights flashing from the grille, colored lights flashing from the inside of the windshield. This unmarked car has an emergency up the road, I’m thinking, so I moved to the right lane to let him pass. He moved up into my space, lights still going off like a UFO or something, and it looked like he wanted the other cars to move out of his way. But when I glanced to my left I saw that he was waving me to pull over. Me? Surely he doesn’t mean me because now he’s waving at the driver in front of me. But I pulled over just to be safe. Then the driver in front of me pulled over. And the one in front of him, and so on. In a minute all six of us were parked in a row by the side of the road.
The cop parked in front of us. He got out of his car and talked to the first driver, took his license and registration and went back to his car for five minutes, then came back to the first driver, handed his papers back to him, plus another paper. The cop talked to him for a minute, then moved on to the second driver and repeated the process. Remember, I was last in line, and my turn came eventually. The cop said we were all traveling at 80 mph. I didn’t think it was 80, but it wasn’t the time to argue. He said he was not charging us with speeding, but he gave us all citations for “following too closely.” Are you kidding, I thought, but again bit my tongue. All I really wanted to know was the amount of the fine so I could be on by way. He pointed at the citation and said “call this number at the Montgomery County Courthouse for the amount of the fine.” I get held up for more than half an hour and I don’t even know the amount of the fine. OK, time to drive home. Five miles down the road I saw that my friend the Montgomery County cop had captured four more Interstate offenders. In less than an hour this guy wrote ten citations, taking efficiency to a high level. I had to admit I was impressed.
I let the citation sit on my desk for a week before calling Montgomery County. A nice woman answered and told me the fine is $150 for Following Too Closely. Whoa! One Montgomery County cop is writing citations at the pace of more than $1000 an hour! The federal government is broke, and the states and the counties are broke. Governments at all levels spent all our money when times were good, and it’s tough to get new tax dollars when times are bad. I don’t know how many Montgomery County cops are trolling that stretch of 1-74, but this one cop can balance the county’s budget all by himself. The best part for the county is that the voters won’t push back on this type of revenue enhancement because the victims don’t vote in the county, they vote in another state, like me, or another Indiana county.
Having felt the sting and appreciated the beauty of it, I hereby propose that the Pearlville Town Council and Chief Burley plan to implement a similar revenue enhancement strategy on our roads. We don’t have an Interstate nearby, and we don’t get a large number of out-of-towners passing thru, but we don’t have a huge budget deficit either. Extra road revenue will go a long way in Pearlville. And the cost is virtually nothing. Chief Burley has two cruisers driving around anyway. On the way to the Cozy Corner or the Donut Hut, might as well nab an out-of-towner for Following Too Closely. All we have to do is prioritize the suckers by license plate. First priority is Indiana plates, then other out-of-staters. Prioritize Ohio plates by the county tag. Pearl County tags are off-limits except for flagrant offenses. Following To Closely and similar category violations apply to outsiders only. Folks, I’m telling you from personal experience that our roads are paved in gold. The first few thousand dollars of new revenue should go towards the new high-tech light bar flashers that fit inside the grille and the windshield. This impresses the offenders much more than the old bubble gum machine that sits on the roof of our cruisers. I am speaking from experience. You have to spend money to make money.
LifeLock Claim Against the Feds
I entered a claim today with LifeLock, the identify fraud protector company that you see on TV. They guarantee up to $1 million compensation if someone steals your identity to spend your money. Who has been spending my money without my permission? You get 3 guesses and the first 2 don’t count. The United States federal government is the culprit. Oh, I approve of constitutionally allowed spending on national defense, etc, and I turn a blind eye to most of the government’s unconstitutional spending. We’ve been a prosperous country and could afford most of it.
But in the last couple years the federal thieves have gone too far. In 2009 they used my social security number to loot my accounts to help fund a $1 Trillion bailout bill, the proceeds of which was distributed to their friends in the unions and the community organizer groups. Then in 2010 they used my social security number to loot my accounts again for the $1 Trillion Obamacare program. For the last two years I’ve been asking myself what I can do about it. I’m just one voter waiting for the next election. Then it dawned on me: I’ve got LifeLock!
The only difference, between ordinary identity thieves and the government, is that the Feds are more professional. Their propaganda mill sells us on the idea that their thievery is legal, even if it bankrupts us. They make Bernie Madoff look like a small time hustler, and Madoff is in jail, isn’t he? I have LifeLock, and many of you have the same or similar programs offering identity fraud protection. The way I figure it, if all of us file identity fraud claims, we can get most of the loot back. Let’s say we have each been screwed out of $10,000. If 100 million of us file identity fraud claims for $10,000, that’s a trillion dollars back in the pockets of honest Americans where it belongs. So if you don’t have identity fraud coverage, get it, and join me in filing your claim. And in the November election, don’t vote for the same thieves who have been looting your wallet. They think stealing is legal when you vote for them.
Dr. Danstilstskin
Posted by Editor in Editorial, Uncategorized on September 1, 2010
Hello again, Pearlville. As many of you now know, I woke up yesterday from a 10-month sleep. It’s true; I went to bed on the night of October 27, 2009 and woke up yesterday morning. I did not know anything unusual had occurred until I turned on the TV to Fox News. Disbelieving what I was seeing, I went to the front door to look outside and found a stack of bills on the porch, 10 months worth. I scratched my chin and found a fistful of whiskers. Beginning to accept the reality of the situation, I called my daughter. “We stopped by a few times but you were sleeping. Christmas was a bummer without you but we thought you needed your rest at your age.”
Next I called the phone company and asked why they did not turn off my phone after months of unpaid bills. Edgar said “we knew you were good for it as long as you’re not dead, and your daughter told us you were not dead. The water company and electric and other creditors agreed to keep the lights on, so to speak. Welcome back to the world.”
So there it is, not quite a Rumplestiltskin, but close enough for me. A little concerned about my health, I went down to the clinic for a thorough examination. The results came back OK except that I am a little underweight, having lost about the same amount of body mass that a bear loses in a winter of hibernation.
Out of hibernation now, I intend to learn what significant events occurred in Pearlville in the past months and see what’s happening now. I promise not to write about the past, as you already know who won the town election in November and the Saints won the Super Bowl. But I hear that the DHS terrorist prison is nearly completed, and we have congressional elections coming up, not to mention the usual interesting stuff that goes on in Pearlville, so I expect to have plenty of resource material for the weekly wipe.
Grassmans Agree to DHS Prison Plan
Posted by Editor in Grassmans, Politics, Spirit Cave Prison on October 27, 2009
The Grassman Council of Elders has agreed to allow the proposed Spirit Cave Prison in their territory. Yesterday representatives of the DHS met with the Elders at Grassman Camp. Several concerns were expressed, mostly related to Grassman security and privacy. They were assured by DHS that the prison will be the most secure in the country, and that Grassman territory will be safer and more private than it is today. No outside visitors will be allowed beyond the prison fence into Grassman territory, and the Grassmans will still be allowed to roam the countryside as they please.
Most of the Elders seemed to be satisfied with the plan, but Klak wasn’t finished: “Many generations ago we accepted the Nofurs in our lands and we accepted the growth of their town, while getting nothing in return. If we accept this Nofur prison, we will again get nothing in return. We do not value the things that Nofurs value. We have no use for their money or their machines. Our homes are good for us and we do not wish for bigger homes as Nofurs do. We value our freedom to live as we wish and to roam our lands. If you are truthful we will keep that freedom.
We also value security, especially for our children. You talk about a secure prison and you have ways to make it secure that we do not understand. We believe that you are sincere, but we know from our Pearlville friends that prisoners sometimes escape from Nofur prisons. These prisoners are the most dangerous of all Nofurs, and they live to kill Nofurs who do not believe as they do. We are afraid for ourselves as well as our Nofur friends if these prisoners escape, or if their friends from far away were to come here to make trouble. If this prison exists we will be at risk of such dangers the same as the Nofurs of the town. What can you offer us to insure our security besides your promises?”
The DHS people had an internal discussion, and then Joe Petroni offered this to Klak: “We can see that the Grassmans are peaceful. We know that because we have spent some time with you and we are comfortable with you. But we admit that we were frightened at first. We were not frightened by your actions. But you are much bigger and stronger than us, and we knew that we would be defenseless if you chose to attack us. We believe that the prisoners will have the same impression, only they will never get to know you well enough to know that you are peaceful. We propose to enlist some of your strongest members to help us guard the prisoners. That way the Grassmans will have influence in the security of the prison, and you will have direct knowledge of what goes on inside the prison.”
The Grassman Elders huddled to consider this offer. As Klak emerged from the group and approached the DHS people, total silence descended on the camp. Klak reached out for Mr. Petroni and Petroni froze. It appeared that he thought Klak planned to grab him by the neck. Someone said “he wants to shake your hand.” Joe Petroni extended his hand and Klak took it in his, easily twice the size of Petroni’s. Klak pumped his arm hard enough that I expected to see water pouring from Petroni’s mouth, but instead Petroni smiled and said “thank you, we will be honored to work with you.” As Emily Sasso finished the translations, she told Mr. Petroni “Klak says he will select the most capable Grassmans for you to choose the guards for the dangerous Nofurs. He promises there will be no escapes.”
DHS to Meet at Grassman Camp
Posted by Editor in Grassmans, Politics, Spirit Cave Prison on October 26, 2009
Department of Homeland Security representatives have scheduled a meeting today at Grassman Camp. Klak Grassman agreed to the meeting, which will include the council of Grassman elders. “We understand that the Grassmans have some concerns. If they stand against the prison, then there won’t be a prison at Spirit Cave. We want to meet with them in person to air things out and see if there is a way that we find common ground,” said Joe Petroni of the DHS. “We will meet with them and we will listen,” said Klak Grassman.